3 ways to Quieten your Inner Drama Queen (or King)

 

I am a professional storyteller. As a publicist, I get paid to embellish the truth and spin a story to be as positive or as negative as possible, depending upon the intention. I like to think I am quite good at what I do, but even I am an amateur compared to my Inner Drama Queen (IDQ). You see my IDQ can turn a simple event, such as someone not calling me back, into a conspiracy theory and movie length story that would surely stand a chance for an Academy Award.

 

We all have our own IDQ and it exists because somewhere we have convinced our self one, or both, of the following ideas are true-

 

  1. ‘The universe revolves around me’
  2. ‘There is no such thing as a simple explanation’

 

There is what happens to us in life, and then there is what we tell our self about what has happened. Often without us consciously deciding what we believe, our IDQ takes over and turns a molehill into a mountain.

 

Let me give you a recent and amusing example of my IDQ in action.

 

I have a friend I have known since high school. We do not see each other often but I have always had a real soft spot for her. She is incredibly likeable, down to earth; and one of those rare individuals, that can make anyone feel comfortable in her presence because she is genuinely lovely.

 

We both had babies around the same time and I remember clear as day her coming over for a play date and telling me all about a business idea she had to help mums get back in shape after having babies.

 

Fast-forward five years and she has created a fitness empire, she has featured on the cover of magazines and is about to launch her business internationally. I could not be happier for her and it is so exciting to witness her success.

 

Even with all this said, my IDQ was able to turn this beautiful friend of mine into a foe. Here is how it unfolded in my mind –

 

I had a business opportunity that related to the world of fitness and I knew this particular friend would be perfect to speak with. Given she had been so busy building her empire we had not spoken for a while. Instead of calling I decided to send a message and make a time to see her in person. I waited patiently for a reply.

 

A week later and still no response, my IDQ went into overdrive and had me start to think along the following lines- I was no longer good enough to be her friend, she had changed and not in a good way and it was better for me to simply let go and accept our friendship had ended. Crazy right?

 

This was all until I received a message from her husband apologising on her behalf and letting me know her Grandmother, of whom she loved dearly, was close to death. My friend had stopped everything to spend the last precious moments with a woman who had shaped her life in everyway.

 

My heart broke for my dear friend and all I wanted to do was give her a hug. Beyond my initial shock, I took the time to become aware of the crazy thoughts I had entertained all because I had not received a message back. This was the work of my IDQ, so pointless and potentially damaging.

 

We all do it and as much as we might say that is just the way we are, it is not the truth. Each of us has the power to control our mind and put our IDQ in her place. In my own life I have found the following 3 actions help me bring about a new perspective and keep centered in truth-

 

  1. Write it out- put pen to paper and write out the conspiracy theories, stories and excuses that are circling in your mind. Most of the time you will see how ridiculous they are. It also gives you an opportunity to literally rewrite the thoughts there and then.

 

  1. Give it a positive spin- instead of simply going along for the crazy ride my IDQ was taking me on, I had the option to stop and create other possible reasons my friend had not got back to me. These could have included- she was busy brokering an international deal or travelling the world and in a different time zone. If you are going to make up a story, why not make sure it is positive and one that makes you feel good.

 

  1. Go with the flow- I went from feeling offended to upset to angry all because my IDQ wanted to create drama. I could have easily said to myself, she will get back to me at the perfect time and that would have been the end of it. Life unfolds as it is meant to.

 

The difference between a simple life and a complicated one is what happens in your mind. The long and short of it is drama is not necessary. 

 We all fear the unknown to some degree and I believe drama is our way of filling in the blanks. If that is the case I would like to suggest we fill in the blanks with stories of love, hope and gratitude. Basically if you are going to make something up, do it to make you feel good.

 

Sure our IDQ may come in handy when writing the script of that Academy Award winning movie length story but other than that, let go of the drama and keep it simple.

 

Love and Magic

 

Carlii xx

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First comes Self Love then comes Marriage

 

I spent pretty much my entire 20’s looking and waiting for a knight in shining armor….

I was never a girl who dreamt of a big white wedding however I was adamant I would not be entirely happy until I had a ring on my finger. It was as if I would only be complete when I was someone’s chosen one. Certainly allot of pressure to put on another person.

I shamefully admit there were many times I would meet a guy and within weeks I would be signing my name with their surname to see if it sounded right. Again another manifestation of me thinking I was incomplete just as me.

Even in the professional arena, client pitches would end up turning into dates as I would never dream of letting a professional persona stand between me and the potential Mr Right. Just thinking about it makes me feel exhausted and I am sure there are other women and men who can relate to this.

I did find the love of my life but I rescued myself first  

Being his chosen one is an honor beyond compare however I soon discovered that being my chosen one is essential to feeling whole and complete. I also came to realise that depending on a partner to be your primary source of love and self-esteem is futile. It is unfair to put that level of expectation on another person who is ultimately on their own journey of loving and accepting themselves. Loving each other is healthy; being needy of one another’s love on the other hand is not.

I do love being married however funnily enough I did not give up my surname (despite the fact he has a beautiful surname). My name is my own and it is me who he married. I am not someone else now that I am married. I am the same woman sharing my life with a tall dark and handsome man whom I love. 

The relationship with Self is the one that counts most

I believe the more you love and give to yourself, the more you have to give to the ones you love.

I am reminded of the importance of this life lesson as I prepare to farewell my Mother who is travelling alone to Europe to walk the Camino de Santiago. My mother is in her 50’s. 

If you were to have asked her 20 years ago where she would be now, she would of replied- “married in a nice house with my husband and grandchildren as regular guests”. She could never imagine that she would be divorced, studying later in life and traveling the world solo. 

When I say traveling the world, I do not mean peering out the window of a 5 star hotel, instead my mother chooses to go to a place and immerse herself as a local. It has lead her to many life enriching experiences and even life threatening moments, all of which she knows in her heart were meant to be. My mother is one of the bravest women I know and I am not sure she will ever truly understand how much I look up to her.

Am I suggesting this is about the fragility of marriage as an institution?

No. I am suggesting that life at the best of times is unexpected and ultimately the only person that is guaranteed to be with you to the very end is you. If that is the case, you might as well learn to love yourself and know that if one day you end up walking the Camino de Santiago, you will be just as happy with someone by your side as you would be walking alone.

Love and Magic

Carlii xxx